I've been thinking about humanity, about how finite we are. I can't get a certain picture out of my head (more below) and the fact that what we all have in common is that none of us knows for sure. That's an odd way to end a sentence. Doesn't know what for sure? Yes. The answer is yes.
Whatever each of us believes, we do it without certainty. If we're honest with ourselves, we can see that. What links us together is the "I'm really not sure, deep down." We're all on the same playing field.
The picture I have in my head is a pale, shivering human. This is us. We're all scared of our death, scared of not being loved, scared of not ever being fully known, etc.
What our beliefs seem to be is a covering, a clothing that we design and sew together for this nakedness. And the more clothed we are, the less we see & remember the shivering human that's beneath it. And thus, the effect of our beliefs are to make us less afraid and more confident. Does that make sense?
What this idea leads to is a thought that what humanity (and ultimately, the Church) really needs is people who are completely honest, not people who just repeat a cliché or a verse - or worse repeat a tenet from your subscribed system of belief. (I'm not saying those are completely bad, just that they are when not paired with honesty). We need to talk more about our fears, our doubts, the reality that we're all scared of death, the reality that the voice we heard probably was our own rather than God's, that we really don't know what's on the other side of life...not for sure, anyway.
I was listening to Derek Webb being interviewed by Shane Blackshear (on the excellent "Seminary Dropout" podcast) and he brought up that he listens primarily to music by people who he felt that he could trust. And that struck me. I realized the music I gravitate towards, the music that leads me toward deeper thinking, the music that engages my emotions all share that quality - I listen because I feel the artist is being honest with him/herself and with me. Sara Groves, Bright Light Bright Light, Sleeping At Last. They all seem to engage their doubt, their darkness, their confusion, their frailty.
So to the second half of the post title: why God must (I think) exist. As I said above, we're all scared of not being loved & not being known. I imagine even primitive humans felt the same way. In fact, I believe animals and plants have some degree of this desire (after all, science has proven that plants grow better with constant conversation and music playing).
Thinking hypothetically, what if there was a person who was marooned on an island? Would the desire to be loved disappear? Because if it's not a product of our community, then that desire has to be intrinsic in us. And I don't see a "survival of the fittest" good reason for that desire. So, in my thinking, it must be product from God.
We all fear loss of love, absence of it. It's terrifying when it happens even to a small degree. The desire is not something that evolved in us. It has to be from God.
So I charge everyone to begin talking more about their doubts, fears, what they really feel deep down. Be honest. We've created a culture where it's not ok to do that. We have to be certain or we're weak, right? In fact, I see it as the opposite as true. And I think Jesus did as well.
We're all naked, shivering humans dealing with the reality that we don't know. Deep down, we don't know for sure. We are all sewing together our beliefs to clothe us. To cover any possible reminder of that fact that we don't know for sure.
I'm not saying beliefs are bad. They are as necessary as anything could be. I'm simply saying don't let the clothes make you lose sight of your ultimate, deep down reality. Because regardless of our beliefs, that's our connection to one another. That's what draws out and produces love.
[Hi, welcome to my blog. I can't say for sure that this'll be more than a one off, but we'll see. I had aspirations as a writer since I was little, but haven't written anything in years, so I thought a blog might ease the jittery feeling that builds into an earthquake when I shirk my desire to create over and over for other things. What I most likely will write, like today, will probably be full of holes in logic, messy prose, confusion-inducing thought processes, and I'll be wrong a lot. That's ok. After all, that's pretty much the title of my blog. The mess is inescapable. Paradoxes are necessary. The remind us that none of us is better than our neighbor. Thanks for reading.]
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